State of Mind

Changes can be a positive thing or a negative thing. At the moment, I think this change is confusing and so it leads me to believe that it is negative.

I try and surround myself with individuals who I care about, people who I believe will have a positive influence on me. But sometimes I overestimate and find myself having to take a million steps back because I think I made the wrong judgement. I know we are all not perfect but I strive to be and when I make a certain claim and it’s proved wrong, my whole world is turned upside down.

Especially with the word “commitment“. So here’s what I got from the internet on the word:


1. the act of committing.
2. the state of being committed.
3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
4. a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.
5. engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.
You know how definitions are all written down and you stick by them because it’s the meaning right? But then you find yourselves in situations when the word is broken, to me when the definition is not followed I feel overwhelmingly betrayed. It’s odd I know that I take it to heart.
I guess I have a “thing” for words, some may call it “nit-picky”. But that’s how I live my life by. Recently, I feel betrayed. Overturned. Being punished for what I thought was right, but in fact it was an illusion. Sometimes I wish I was able to foresee the future or just be soooo smart in situations so I won’t hurt.
Of course, that’s unrealistic. Doesn’t stop me from still trying.
It does get tiring and what not, sometimes I don’t know when to just stop completlely. Yes, I know I’m ranting on so you can stop reading if this gets too confusing, because it’s hard to articulate exactly how I feel. The funny thing I realised is that there is so many people out there, who you think you can trust, pouring out your soul and then being slapped back for just loving them.
There’s so many people around me, but I feel like I’m on a deserted island and it’s just noise I’m hearing.